Performance Review: Survivor

NOW HIRING: Senior Entry-Level Productivity Survival Analyst II

Shareholder First Company Solutions is seeking a highly motivated self-starter to join our award-winning workplace family. The ideal candidate thrives under pressure, understands that “work-life balance” is a competitor’s myth, and remains committed to company goals despite rapidly escalating cross-functional incidents.

This is a fast-paced opportunity with unlimited growth potential, provided you survive the probationary period.

Responsibilities include:

• Maintaining control of your cubicle during high-energy team-building events

• Upgrading company-approved productivity tools, including staplers, laptops, printers, and other standard office equipment

• Surviving quarterly performance initiatives, surprise compliance events, and the Annual Performance Review

• Ability to lift 50 lbs

Preferred qualifications:

• Strong time management during short, chaotic runs

• Ability to adapt to compounding weapon upgrades

• Comfortable operating in bullet-hell work environments

• Willingness to give 110% until there is nothing left to give

Compensation & Benefits:

• After-life 401K financial planning

• Performance-based escalation

• Plentiful team-building opportunities

• The slow erosion of self

• Dental

Performance Review: Survivor is a 2.5D roguelite where office problems follow you home, careers run short, and the Annual Performance Review is non-negotiable.  In the unlikely outcome you manage to retire, comprehensive end-of-life financial 401K projection simulation is provided.

Applications accepted via fax only. Orientation starts immediately upon submission.